Every morning when I woke up in bed, I opened my eyes. I probably gave a yawn. As usual, I knew I had to get out of bed, get ready for camp (I was in the army back then) and then head out of the house.
Then my brain registered that I had broken up.
That horrid feeling that bordered close to depression just overwhelmed me, as if a wave of bad feelings waited all night to sweep over my bed and drown me in the morning.
I just knew there and then that it was going to be a fucking horrible day.
This continued on for abouttwo months.
Every, single, morning.
Then I got a little better.
I thought I had moved on. My days weren’t so bad anymore and I found myself thinking less of her. I thought I had beat the game, where I don’t need to find out how to get over a breakup anymore.
Then I saw new pictures of her on social media partying, drinking and meeting all sorts of people.
It seemed like she moved on way ahead of me.
I felt forgotten.
She won. And I had lost.
I continued to feel like crap again.
This went on for another month or so.
The First Breakup Is
Always The Hardest
It is, isn’t it?
It was for me at least. I loved her after all.
Or at least for the first time in my life I felt the highest sense of romance and emotions that combined to give me what I thought was love.
And with that, I had all sorts of dreams and aspirations with her. We talked of a long and bright future together. We didn’t hold back! Our imagination was insane! We were going to get married and we started laughing as we came up with stupid names for our kids.
When the breakup happened, all of that disappeared. Forever.
They were crushed. And there was no possibility of them being revived ever again.
That’s why the first breakup always sucks the most.
But that’s not to say other breakups are cool…
Be it the first, second or third, all breakups kind of suck.
Especially if you felt you really loved him or her.
Because you felt like you love your partner, you invest all these emotions in the relationship. You have all these dreams and aspirations with him or her and you just thought things would work out. To even allow a negative thought of the relationship is like blasphemy!
Then when you guys break up, a void forms.
And you feel so empty inside.
You aren’t even sure what can fill that void. Your usual self is totally lost. Things that used to amuse you or make you go, “Wow!” suddenly seem like a waste of time.
Video games? Forget it! Fake and lame.
Hanging out with your friends? They can’t give you the love and intimacy a partner can.
Dating someone else? They are not [insert your ex’s name here] and that’s the only person you want in your life.
Is there even HOPE for a better life ahead?
Like me back then, you probably answered no.
Simply because a breakup is there to make you feel that low in life.
But I’m here to tell you now: For whatever it is, whoever you and where ever you are, a breakup shouldn’t bring you down that hard.
Forget about feeling so low in life. Life isn’t meant for you to feel so sad or even depressed all the damn time. A breakup is hard, but it’s not the end of life and there’re things you can do for yourself to make it that much easier.
I’ve been through enough breakups to seriously upgrade myself and I’m here to help. I know how it is to feel the sharp pain in your body and the never-ending ache in your mind. Also, the supposed help you get nowadays from typical, “How to get over a breakup” articles which ultimately tell you, “time heals all” are well, not real enough.
This is realness, from me.
How To Dominate Post-Breakup Trauma
Dominate your mind first
1) Go ahead and feel as bad as all you want
Because it’s going to hurt. It will. You’re going to feel the pain and feel like shit. And that’s how it’s going to be. There’s no way out. People who tell you otherwise are only lying to you or are deluded themselves.
Accept that. Embrace the pain. Don’t be a coward.
That means to say, don’t be asking why does it hurt so much or what did you do to deserve such pain. The pain is already there and wondering about it is going to be a waste of time.
Now take your time with the pain. You did after all, just go through a heartfelt relationship with someone you taught you love, and only you know how special that was.
So this means to say, no one else can fully empathize. I personally find it annoying and totally not helpful at all when people think they’re qualified to give me relationship or breakup advice, however good their intentions are.
Advice will mean fuck-all anyway especially when you feel the early pains of a breakup. You’ll be too blinded by the pain as of then.
And this means to say…
The pain ultimately shows how meaningful the relationship was. Embrace for what it was and maybe to a little extent, what it could’ve been. The pain shows you’re a good person who knows how to love and have the capability to care for someone.
Instead of wallowing in that pain and feeling pity for yourself, take it all and realize how human you actually are.
2) Answer this question, “What do I want now?”
This was by far the best advice a close friend of mine gave me after my first breakup. I was feeling so messed up inside I just had to call and talk to someone and thankfully, he picked up.
And this stood out, “The most important question you simply need to answer for yourself right now is, ‘What do I want now?'”
Answer that ONCE with all your heart and mind. I’m talking answering with all the stability and emotional control you’ve, because you’re a good and sensible person. Stick with that.
Notes: If you answered, “I want [her/him] back”, then do whatever it takes you think you need to do to win that person back. Try ONCE only.
You have to know that there may be a mismatch of value between you and that person. If you are not wanted any more, then move on. That’s the truth. That’s the harsh reality. Your desire is not anyone’s else’s desire, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Your next efforts can be used for better things.
3) And never look back
Have you answered the question above?
Okay good, now don’t look back. Don’t.
The past is the past. Looking back would only serve to potentially screw up the bright future you’ve after you overcome the breakup.
You know how some couples, despite after breaking up start getting back together like a million times? When asked about it, they’re like, “Sigh… oh it’s complicated” or give bullshit like, “It’s true love.” Whatever it is for them, nobody around them respects them.
And it’s all because they look back and disregard the fact that a better future with someone more awesome exists.
So stop fearing that the future sucks! It doesn’t. It’s all in your head.
Can you start believing in a better future? Okay now you’re ready.
4) Because you’re going to own it in your next relationship
You know you’ll right?
It’s common sense.
Fuck up in your first relationship. Learn and do better in your next one. Fuck up in that one, learn again and do even better the next one.
And I believe you can do better. OBVIOUSLY this means to say you can meet someone new. You just need to open up a little, just a little.
When you do, it’s going to be an awesome one. When you learn from previous relationships, that’s what it means to never settle.
Because you only deserve the best for yourself.
I can’t predict your future. You can’t either. So why keep thinking about being alone forever?
5) Remember that you’re allowed to be happy
Life isn’t over for you.
And you are, by default allowed to be happy in this world, simply because you were given life.
It doesn’t matter if you just broken up, have a shitty job, a bad day, disappointed by someone or lost your wallet.
It isn’t the end of the world and you’re allowed to be happy.
Besides, you aren’t alone. Many people go through bad breakups and they’re, as of right now, feeling pretty low too. Take comfort in the fact that you aren’t alone. If others can get through, so can you. And it’s your chance to help others.
Dominate Your Lifestyle
1) Delete him; delete her
As with point no.3 above, it’s time to never ever look back. And you can do that by eliminating the chances of falling back into the past.
I did that by simply deleting her off all my accounts, and that includes her number, Facebook, MSN, Skype or whatever social networks (this includes actual, physical friends.)
I made the mistake of viewing my ex’s profile and I was devastated that time. Also, I always delete the mobile number for fear of drunk-texting or calling. That happened a lot, and never resulted in anything good, only major cringe and embarrassment.
But hey! What’s wrong with being friends after a breakup?” is what you’re protesting right now.
That’s totally fine, but does it hurt like fuck?
I find that many people subject themselves to more hurt simply because they think retaining a friendship is the moral thing to do.
I think it’s more moral to watch out for your well-being first! I personally recognize my pain, and I know I don’t want any of that. I don’t want to wake up feeling horrible.
I’m friends with them only when I know I’m totally fine and ready. If you aren’t, I suggest concentrating on recovery and moving forward first.
Hope is something which should be steadfast and offer a preview of a brighter future (growing stronger and meeting someone better) and not the carrot which dangles in front of you (total false hope, getting back together for sex only, drunk calling/texting, short-lived patching back etc.)
None of this will help you at all.
2) Distract the hell out of yourself
Cliched but true advice.
You got to distract the hell out of yourself to simply get your mind off thinking about your ex.
Now, of course this is going to be extremely hard. I know. Post-breakup trauma leaves you a collection of crappy feelings which makes you feel hopeless.
Everything in life seems like a big chore and just wanting to reside in your room alone seems more appealing than anything else. But that leaves you with little space to grow as your mind goes crazy with unwanted thoughts while your heart weighs you down.
After my first breakup, for the first time in my life I started a journal and took walks in the park alone. That sounds kind of gay, but it really helped.
So, to distract yourself, you absolutely have to FORCE yourself to. Fight all the bad feelings, get off your ass and just try something. It could be playing a videogame, going for a walk, exercising or being around friends.
It isn’t going to be easy at all, and it isn’t meant to feel so. It’s a little like, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
But I like to be clearer and call it, “Doing a lot of hard shit when you don’t even feel like it, and it’s going to make you man up, build character and become way stronger than you can ever imagine”.
3) A bit of escapism can help
Whoa oh, taboo here. Not.
But you know? What’s wrong with escaping? To get away from it all?
Breakup or not, I’ve always been quite an angry person. Being pissed over little things and wishing bad karma on my wrongdoers.
So that’s why I love drinking. Alcoholic beverages gives me that little buzz and high that makes me feel good about myself and that everything in this world is okay.
I fucking love escaping reality. Because sometimes it’s shit.
And breakup trauma is just that. You know it is!
So please, for the sake of your well-being, escape from it all! Distract!
What rocks your life boat no matter what? Masturbating? Porn? Drinking? Screaming? World of Warcraft? Sudoku? Smoking?
Note: I don’t condone an unhealthy lifestyle. Neither is addiction cool. I said *a bit* of escapism. Please do everything in moderation. You won’t see me getting drunk off my ass all the time and getting into fights and shit.
4) Start dating and meeting people, with perspective
This is by far the best method in getting over a breakup: Meeting someone of the opposite sex.
No, you don’t start this “only when you’re ready.”
You carry that shit out, NOW. Think of it this way: a parent is never ready to be a parent until the child is born and they start changing diapers.
Meeting someone of the opposite sex is like a one-for-one package deal replacement of pain, with hope. This even effectively covers everything above.
And no, it’s not “wrong.” I did not say anything about being an asshole and using others for your own gain or manipulating others’ feelings just so you can feel better about yourself. This is just rebounding.
This isn’t betraying your ex either. It most definitely is not. You absolutely need to get over this false idea otherwise you’d be stuck forever.
All you’ve to do is simply be honest with yourself and other people.
Then add a little perspective:
When I say make more friends: I’m not asking you to look for love. I’m asking you to merely make more friends and expand your social circle.
When I say go approach that girl at the bar: I’m not asking you to make out with her, achieve a one night stand or even score her digits. I’m only saying get to know her for who she is and add a friend to your life.
When I say go meet more people: I’m just saying relax, and have fun!
Do you see the message I’m trying to give you here?
I’m saying open yourself up to other people and the world! You’ll be surprised how much you can learn about others. Discovery is going to make you stronger.
And it’s an unlimited adventure.
Time heals all?
That’s kind of clichéd, that time would eventually heal all your wounds and whatever that ails you.
It is kind of annoying because it means you’ve to wait it out your shitty state.
The way I like to see time healing us all is this:
Ask yourself, how do you forget something? You create new memories to replace the old, or at least let it fade.
And you create new memories by living it up; living a proper life.
Just keep living, doing new things and start living an epic life.
Start small, with the steps above. Get off your ass and don’t wait for time.Life isn’t meant for us to feel depressed about and feeling sad all the time over someone else.
You ultimately dictate your own happiness.
How bad was your breakup? Do you need any more help? Let me know in the comments.